35 Short Funny Quotes And Sayings

Visit:1841   Updated: 2022/11/29

1.“I have an angel on one shoulder, and a devil on the other. I’m also deaf in one ear.”

2.“During sex you burn as much calories as running for 5 miles. Who the fuck runs 5 miles in 30 seconds?”

3.“The strongest people make time to help others, even if they are struggling with their own problems.”

4.“If your significant other is mad at you put a cape on them and say ‘Now you’re super mad!’ if they laugh marry them.”

5.“I changed my password to “incorrect” so whenever I forget what it is, the computer will say “your password is incorrect.”

6.Next time a stranger talks to me when I’m alone, I will look at them shocked and whisper quietly “You can see me?”

7.“One minute you’re really young and cool… and the next, you’re getting all excited about a new vacuum.”

8.“I wanted to go jogging but proverbs 28:1 says “The wicked run when no one is chasing them” so there’s that.”

9.“When you’re so sarcastic people aren’t sure whether you’re joking or whether you’re just crazy.”

10.“I hate when a couple argues in public and I missed the beginning and don’t know whose side I’m on.”

11.“That awkward moment when you take a shower in the middle of the day and you’re not sure if you should put on normal clothes or pyjamas.”

12.“It’s better to look back on life and say: “I can’t believe I did that.” Than to look back and say: “I wish I did that.””

13.“I have to keep reminding myself that I’m an adult and will be charged as one.”

14.“I am tremendously not sorry that my sense of humor has offended your utter lack of it.”

15.“My scars tell a story… They are reminders of when life tried to break me, but failed.”

16.“The first to apologize is the bravest. The first to forgive is the strongest. The first to forget is the happiest.”

17.“I’m having people over to stare at their phones later if you want to come by…”

18.“Just before I die, I am going to swallow a bag of popcorn kernnels. My cremation is going to be epic!”

19.“A negative person sees the glass of water half empty. A positive person sees it half full. A realistic person adds two shots of whiskey and says cheers.”

20.“School is just an endless cycle of “I just need to make it through this week” every week”

21.“I don’t mean to interrupt people I just randomly remember things & get really excited”

22.“He said, there was no spark between us anymore. So I tasered him!!! (I’ll ask him again, when he wakes up)”

23.“By the power vested in me, I now pronounce you… blocked & deleted. You may now… … Kiss my ass”

24.“Please forgive me if I don’t talk much at times. It’s loud enough in my head.”

25.“Yes I walked away mid-conversation. You were boring me to death and my survival instincts kicked in.”

26.“My diet plan: Make all of my best friends cupcakes. The fatter they get, the thinner I look!”

27.“The only advantage you have over me is you can kiss my ass and I can’t”

28.“I don’t like to brag but today I washed and dried a load of clothes on the same day without forgetting I had stuff in the washer… It’s like I’m some kind of domestic ninja…”

29.“Sometimes you might feel like no one’s there for you, but you know who’s always there for you? Laundry. Laundry will always be there for you.”

30.“The biggest lie I tell myself is “I don’t need to write that down, I’ll remember it.””

31.“I know a man who gave up smoking, drinking, sex, and rich food. He was healthy right up to the day he killed himself.”

32.“The biggest lie I tell myself is “I don’t need to write that down, I’ll remember it.””

33.“I’d walk through fire for my best friend. Well, not fire, that would be dangerous. But a super humid room…but not too humid because, you know.. my hair.”

34.“You love flowers, but you cut them. You love animals, but you eat them. You tell me you love me, so now im scared!”

35.“Je kunt better een nacht je slapen over wat je wilt doen, dan wakker liggen over wat je gedaan hebt ( I’m getting better at the end of the day, I’m sorry, I’m sorry. )”