103 Best Sarcastic Short Quotes

Visit:3509   Updated: 2022/12/03

1.“When people ask me stupid questions, it is my legal obligation to give a sarcastic remark.”

2.My level of sarcasm has gotten to the point where I don’t even know if I’m kidding or not.

3.“I never forget a face, but in your case, I’ll be glad to make an exception.”

4.I never forget a face, but in your case, I’ll be glad to make an exception.

5.If you press the elevator button three times it goes into hurry mode – really.

6.I know I don’t have to be sarcastic, but the world has given me so much material to work with. I would hate to be wasteful.

7.“I’m not listening, but keep talking. I enjoy the way your voice makes my ears bleed.”

8.“People say that laughter is the best medicine… your face must be curing the world.”

9.“Fighting with me is like being in the special olympics. You may win, but in the end you’re still a retard.”

10.People say that laughter is the best medicine, your face must be curing the world.

11.Have you ever met someone and thought, “There goes the reason why contraceptives were invented?”

12.“Having children makes you no more a parent than having a piano makes you a pianist.”

13.True bonding is when you and your friends are all angry about the same thing.

14.Sweetie, leave the sarcasm and insults to the pros. You’re going to hurt yourself. Go play in traffic.

15.Sometimes I wish I could get a refund on the time I have invested on people that weren’t worth it.

16.I’m not saying I hate you. But I would unplug your life support to charge my phone.

17.Maybe you should eat some makeup so you can be pretty on the inside too.

18.If you don’t like and still watch everything I do, b..tch you are a fan.

19.“Please submit your ideas to me today so I can submit them as my own tomorrow.”- Anonymous.

20.“Sarcasm is the secret language that everyone uses when they want to say something mean to your face.”

21.My girlfriend is so good at playing hide and seek. I haven’t found her yet.

22.I have to stop saying how stupid you can be. Some people are starting to take it as a challenge.

23.Don’t worry about what I’m doing. Worry about why you’re worried about what I’m doing.

24.“I’m sorry I hurt your feelings when I called you stupid. I really thought you already knew.”

25.“If I wanted to kill myself I would climb your ego and jump to your IQ.”

26.If the teacher tells you to get out, it means you have won the argument.

27.If I wanted to kill myself, I would climb your ego and jump to your IQ.

28.They say women speak 20,000 words a day. I have a daughter who gets that done by breakfast.

29.Most people have “Ah ha” moments. I have “Oh for f..ck’s sake, f..ck this shit” moments.

30.I’m sorry I hurt your feelings when I called you stupid. I really thought you already knew.

31.Oh, my bad. I’m sorry for bothering you. I forgot I only exist when you need me for something.

32.Have you ever listened to someone for a while and wondered, “Who ties your shoelaces for you?”

33.“Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home.”- Phyllis Diller.

34.“Just because the voices only talk to me doesn’t mean you should get all jealous. You’re just a little too crazy for their taste.”

35.Not all girls are made of sugar and spice and everything nice. Some girls are made of sarcasm, wind, and everything fine.

36.Babies are so lucky. They can sleep all day and everyone still would be proud of them.

37.What did I do to give you the impression I actually care about what you think?

38.I can’t be around people who take everything I say seriously. I’m not being mean, I’m just sarcastic as hell and I like to joke around. Why are you crying?

39.Nothing brings a group of a…holes together faster than something that’s none of their business.

40.Some people are like Slinky’s. Pretty much useless but make you smile when you push them down the stairs.

41.I’ve met some pricks in my time, but you my friend, are the f..cking cactus.

42.Just because the voices only talk to me, doesn’t mean you should get all jealous. You’re just a little too crazy for their taste.

43.“Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until they speak.”- Steven Wright.

44.“There are only two things a child will share willingly—communicable diseases and his mother’s age.”- Benjamin Spock.

45.“Some are born mad, some achieve madness, and some have madness thrust upon ’em.”    – Emilie Autumn.

46.“Don’t you hate people who use big words just to make themselves look perspicacious?”- Anonymous.

47.“If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of car payments.”

48.“I haven’t even gone to bed yet and I already can’t wait to come home from work tomorrow.”

49.If you’ve never met the devil in the road of life, it’s because you’re both heading in the same direction.

50.Askhole. A person who constantly asks for your advice, yet always does the opposite of what you told them.

51.I may look calm, but inside my mind, I’ve killed you 20 times, in 5 minutes, in 20 different ways.

52.If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of car payments.

53.If I had to pay you a dollar for every smart thing you say, I’d save a lot of money.

54.I hope the bus you threw me under swerves to hit you on the sidewalk.

55.If someone points at your black clothes and asks, whose funeral it is, you just look around the room, and answer, “haven’t decided yet.”

56.Come here you big, beautiful cup of coffee and lie to me about how much we’re going to get done today.

57.I’ve come to a point in my life where I need a stronger word than f..ck.

58.Don’t argue with fools, because people from a distance can’t tell which one is you.

59.Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than going to a garage makes you an automobile.”- Billy Sunday.

60.“The time you realize your kids are in bed and have been watching The Disney channel for the past hour by yourself.”- Anonymous.

61.“I’m sorry. I know I said hi, but I wasn’t really prepared for any follow-up conversation.”

62.I’d tell you to go to hell, but I work there and don’t want to see your ugly mug every day.

63.Need money for college. Need college for a job. Need a job for money. Who was the mastermind behind this system?

64.I’ve reached that age where my brain goes from “You probably shouldn’t say that.” To “What the hell, let’s see what happens.”

65.When people see you laying down with your eyes closed, they still ask “Are you sleeping?” And I’m like, “No. I’m training to die.”

66.Oh, you hate me? Join the club! There are weekly meetings at the corner of F..ck You St. and Kiss My Ass Blvd.

67.I try not to laugh at my own jokes but we all know I’m hilarious.

68.We all have problems. Some of us just choose not to post them on Facebook.

69.In all honesty, things would’ve never worked between us. I’m a unicorn, you’re a donkey; I’m majestic, and you my love are just an ass.

70.“I’m sorry while you were talking I was trying to figure where the hell you got the idea I cared.”

71.“Mother Nature is wonderful. She gives us twelve years to develop a love for our children before turning them into teenagers.”- Eugene Bertin.

72.“I’m not saying I hate you, what I’m saying is that you are literally the Monday of my life.”

73.“I’d tell you to go to hell, but I work there and don’t want to see your ugly mug every day.”

74.“I’m sorry. I was listening until, out of nowhere, I became distracted by this loud, obnoxious noise that turned out to be your voice.”- Anonymous.

75.The whole purpose of sending a text is to get a reply within seconds or minutes, otherwise, I would have sent a letter by fucking mail.

76.If you wrote down every single thought you ever had, you would get an award for the shortest story ever..

77.See this hand? It’s going to descend in an arc that will, in the process, have contact with your face. Just warning you.

78.I always say “Morning” Instead of “Good Morning” Because if it was a good morning, I would still be in bed and not talking to people.

79.When I’m feeling down and someone says “suck it up”, I get the urge to break their legs and say, “walk it off”.

80.You know that little voice inside your head that keeps you from saying things you shouldn’t? Yeah, I don’t have that.

81.I think Dildo is a perfectly acceptable insult. I’d call you a d..ck but you’re not real enough.

82.I am in one of those moods where I just want to throw a book at someone’s face and be like: I facebooked you.

83.Congratulations! You’ve managed to make me feel like a worthless piece of shit again. Would you like an award for that?

84.Sweetie, I’m going to need you to put those few remaining brain cells together and work with me here, Okay?

85.“In general my children refuse to eat anything that hasn’t danced in television.”- Erma Bombeck.

86.“Half our life is spent trying to find something to do with the time we have rushed through life trying to save. “- Will Rogers.

87.If you want to change the world, do it while you’re single. Once you’re married you can’t even change the TV Channel.

88.Thank you for leaving my side when I was alone. I realized I can do so much without you.

89.Here let me drop what’s important to me and pay attention to you and all of your needs.

90.I’m a lady, but when I’m mad, I am an evil sadistic demon spawned b..ch from hell that will make you regret the day you were born.  And when I’m happy, I like to bake cookies and shit.

91.If I say “First of all”. Run away because I have prepared research, data, and charts and will destroy you.

92.Breaking someone’s trust is like crumpling up a perfect piece of paper. You can smooth it over but it’s never going to be the same again.

93.“Don’t mistake this fake smile and professional body language. I’d punch you in the throat if I knew I wouldn’t lose my job.”

94.“Having a two-year-old is like having a blender that you don’t have the top for.”- Jerry Seinfeld.

95.“You can tell what was the best year of your father’s life, because they seem to freeze that clothing style and ride it out.”- Jerry Seinfeld.

96.“If at first you don’t succeed, try, try again. Then quit. There’s no point in being a damn fool about it.”- W. C. Fields.

97.My attitude in exams. They give me questions I don’t know. I give them answers they don’t know.

98.Don’t worry about hurting my feelings, because I guarantee you not one bit of my self-esteem is tied up in your acceptance.

99.People think I’m shy because I don’t get involved in their conversations. The truth is, I don’t give a f..ck what they’re talking about.

100.Some people will only like you if you fit inside their box. Don’t be afraid to shove that box up their ass.

101.Resting b..tch face saves me from so many conversations I don’t want to be a part of.

102.People ask me, “Why are you single? You’re attractive, intelligent and creative.” My reply is “I’m overqualified.”

103.“Everything is changing. People are taking the comedians seriously and the politicians as a joke.”- Will Rogers.