1.“Always do what is right. It will gratify half of mankind and astound the other.”
2.“Let us be thankful for the fools. But for them, the rest of us could not succeed.”
3.“Laughter without a tinge of philosophy is but a sneeze of humor. Genuine humor is replete with wisdom.”
4.“I have made it a rule never to smoke more than one cigar at a time.”
5.“Never put off till tomorrow what may be done the day after tomorrow just as well.”
6.“The man who does not read has no advantage over the man who cannot read.
7.In the first place, God made idiots. That was for practice. Then he made school boards.
8.“Don’t part with your illusions. When they are gone, you may still exist, but you have ceased to live.”
9.Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter.
10.Don’t go around saying the world owes you a living. The world owes you nothing. It was here first.
11.“Don’t go around saying the world owes you a living. The world owes you nothing. It was here first.”
12.“Behind every successful man, there is a woman – And behind every unsuccessful man, there are two.”
13.“Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter.”
14.“April 1. This is the day upon which we are reminded of what we are on the other three hundred and sixty-four”.
15.Suppose you were an idiot, and suppose you were a member of Congress; but I repeat myself.
16.“Whenever you find yourself on the side of the majority, it is time to pause and reflect.”
17.“Men are like bank accounts. The more money they have, the more interest they generate.”
18.“I didn’t attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it”.
19.It ain’t those parts of the Bible that I can’t understand that bother me, it is the parts that I do understand.
20.“I don’t like to commit myself to heaven and hell—you see, I have friends in both places.”
21.“The trouble ain’t that there are too many fools, but that the lightning ain’t distributed right.”
22.“Concerning the difference between man and the jackass: some observers hold that there isn’t any. But this wrongs the jackass.”
23.It is better to keep your mouth closed and let people think you are a fool than to open it and remove all doubt.
24.Life would be infinitely happier if we could only be born at the age of eighty and gradually approach eighteen.
25.“All of us contain music and truth, but most of us can’t get it out.”
26.“A lie can run around the world six times while the truth is still trying to put on its pants.”
27.The only way to keep your health is to eat what you don’t want, drink what you don’t like, and do what you’d rather not.
28.“Never refuse to do a kindness unless the act would work great injury to yourself, and never refuse to take a drink – under any circumstances.”
29.“Giving up smoking is the easiest thing in the world. I know because I’ve done it a thousand times.”
30.Giving up smoking is the easiest thing in the world. I know because I’ve done it thousands of times.
31.“Get your facts first, and then you can distort them as much as you please.”
32.“Never argue with stupid people. They will drag you down to their level and then beat you with experience.”