1.“When people ask me stupid questions, it is my legal obligation to give a sarcastic remark.”
2.Sweetie, leave the sarcasm and insults to the pros. You’re going to hurt yourself. Go play in traffic.
3.My level of sarcasm has gotten to the point where I don’t even know if I’m kidding or not.
4.Most people have “Ah ha” moments. I have “Oh for f..ck’s sake, f..ck this shit” moments.
5.My girlfriend is so good at playing hide and seek. I haven’t found her yet.
6.We all have problems. Some of us just choose not to post them on Facebook.
7.“I’m not listening, but keep talking. I enjoy the way your voice makes my ears bleed.”
8.“Having children makes you no more a parent than having a piano makes you a pianist.”
9.Have you ever met someone and thought, “There goes the reason why contraceptives were invented?”
10.“Fighting with me is like being in the special olympics. You may win, but in the end you’re still a retard.”
11.I never forget a face, but in your case, I’ll be glad to make an exception.
12.If I had to pay you a dollar for every smart thing you say, I’d save a lot of money.
13.“There are only two things a child will share willingly—communicable diseases and his mother’s age.”- Benjamin Spock.
14.“I never forget a face, but in your case, I’ll be glad to make an exception.”
15.“Don’t you hate people who use big words just to make themselves look perspicacious?”- Anonymous.
16.True bonding is when you and your friends are all angry about the same thing.
17.If you press the elevator button three times it goes into hurry mode – really.
18.What did I do to give you the impression I actually care about what you think?
19.I hope the bus you threw me under swerves to hit you on the sidewalk.
20.You know that little voice inside your head that keeps you from saying things you shouldn’t? Yeah, I don’t have that.
21.Sometimes I wish I could get a refund on the time I have invested on people that weren’t worth it.
22.“Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home.”- Phyllis Diller.
23.“I’m sorry. I know I said hi, but I wasn’t really prepared for any follow-up conversation.”
24.People say that laughter is the best medicine, your face must be curing the world.
25.I may look calm, but inside my mind, I’ve killed you 20 times, in 5 minutes, in 20 different ways.
26.Babies are so lucky. They can sleep all day and everyone still would be proud of them.
27.See this hand? It’s going to descend in an arc that will, in the process, have contact with your face. Just warning you.
28.If I wanted to kill myself, I would climb your ego and jump to your IQ.
29.I always say “Morning” Instead of “Good Morning” Because if it was a good morning, I would still be in bed and not talking to people.
30.If you don’t like and still watch everything I do, b..tch you are a fan.
31.I know I don’t have to be sarcastic, but the world has given me so much material to work with. I would hate to be wasteful.
32.I’ve come to a point in my life where I need a stronger word than f..ck.
33.I’ve met some pricks in my time, but you my friend, are the f..cking cactus.
34.Don’t argue with fools, because people from a distance can’t tell which one is you.
35.I’m not saying I hate you. But I would unplug your life support to charge my phone.
36.“In general my children refuse to eat anything that hasn’t danced in television.”- Erma Bombeck.
37.“If I wanted to kill myself I would climb your ego and jump to your IQ.”
38.“People say that laughter is the best medicine… your face must be curing the world.”
39.“Sarcasm is the secret language that everyone uses when they want to say something mean to your face.”
40.“Some are born mad, some achieve madness, and some have madness thrust upon ’em.” – Emilie Autumn.
41.Not all girls are made of sugar and spice and everything nice. Some girls are made of sarcasm, wind, and everything fine.
42.If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of car payments.
43.I can’t be around people who take everything I say seriously. I’m not being mean, I’m just sarcastic as hell and I like to joke around. Why are you crying?
44.I’m sorry I hurt your feelings when I called you stupid. I really thought you already knew.
45.Breaking someone’s trust is like crumpling up a perfect piece of paper. You can smooth it over but it’s never going to be the same again.
46.Tact is the ability to tell someone to go to hell in such a way that they look forward to the trip.
47.“Half our life is spent trying to find something to do with the time we have rushed through life trying to save. “- Will Rogers.
48.“The time you realize your kids are in bed and have been watching The Disney channel for the past hour by yourself.”- Anonymous.
49.“I’m sorry I hurt your feelings when I called you stupid. I really thought you already knew.”
50.“I’m not saying I hate you, what I’m saying is that you are literally the Monday of my life.”
51.“If at first you don’t succeed, try, try again. Then quit. There’s no point in being a damn fool about it.”- W. C. Fields.
52.The whole purpose of sending a text is to get a reply within seconds or minutes, otherwise, I would have sent a letter by fucking mail.
53.My attitude in exams. They give me questions I don’t know. I give them answers they don’t know.
54.If the teacher tells you to get out, it means you have won the argument.
55.You look good when your eyes are closed, but you look the best when my eyes closed.
56.If it looks like I give a damn, please tell me. I don’t want to give off the wrong impression.
57.I have to stop saying how stupid you can be. Some people are starting to take it as a challenge.
58.I think Dildo is a perfectly acceptable insult. I’d call you a d..ck but you’re not real enough.
59.I am in one of those moods where I just want to throw a book at someone’s face and be like: I facebooked you.
60.Sweetie, I’m going to need you to put those few remaining brain cells together and work with me here, Okay?
61.Oh, you hate me? Join the club! There are weekly meetings at the corner of F..ck You St. and Kiss My Ass Blvd.
62.Nothing brings a group of a…holes together faster than something that’s none of their business.
63.Have you ever listened to someone for a while and wondered, “Who ties your shoelaces for you?”
64.“I’m sorry while you were talking I was trying to figure where the hell you got the idea I cared.”
65.“Don’t mistake this fake smile and professional body language. I’d punch you in the throat if I knew I wouldn’t lose my job.”
66.“You look good when your eyes are closed, but you look the best when my eyes closed.”
67.“Everything is changing. People are taking the comedians seriously and the politicians as a joke.”- Will Rogers.
68.“I’m sorry. I was listening until, out of nowhere, I became distracted by this loud, obnoxious noise that turned out to be your voice.”- Anonymous.
69.“If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of car payments.”
70.If you’ve never met the devil in the road of life, it’s because you’re both heading in the same direction.
71.I’d tell you to go to hell, but I work there and don’t want to see your ugly mug every day.
72.Askhole. A person who constantly asks for your advice, yet always does the opposite of what you told them.
73.Here let me drop what’s important to me and pay attention to you and all of your needs.
74.I don’t know where all this crap about me being a “difficult person” is coming from. I’m a constant f..cking delight.
75.They say women speak 20,000 words a day. I have a daughter who gets that done by breakfast.
76.If someone points at your black clothes and asks, whose funeral it is, you just look around the room, and answer, “haven’t decided yet.”
77.Your flexibility amazes me. How do you get your food in your mouth and your head up your ass all at the same time?
78.I try not to laugh at my own jokes but we all know I’m hilarious.
79.I am the friend you have to explain to your other friends before they meet me.
80.If I say “First of all”. Run away because I have prepared research, data, and charts and will destroy you.
81.In all honesty, things would’ve never worked between us. I’m a unicorn, you’re a donkey; I’m majestic, and you my love are just an ass.
82.Some people are like Slinky’s. Pretty much useless but make you smile when you push them down the stairs.
83.Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than going to a garage makes you an automobile.”- Billy Sunday.
84.“Family ties mean that no matter how much you might want to run from your family, you can’t.”- Anonymous.
85.“I’d tell you to go to hell, but I work there and don’t want to see your ugly mug every day.”
86.Need money for college. Need college for a job. Need a job for money. Who was the mastermind behind this system?
87.Thank you for leaving my side when I was alone. I realized I can do so much without you.
88.You have no one to blame but yourself. Unless some other guy is standing next to you then you can blame him.
89.Hmmm, I’m going to file your opinions right here between “f..ck this” and “f..ck that”.
90.I hate it when I think I’m buying organic vegetables but when I get home, I discover they’re just regular donuts.
91.Resting b..tch face saves me from so many conversations I don’t want to be a part of.
92.“Once a guy pulled a knife on me. I knew he wasn’t a professional, the knife had butter on it.”- Rodney Dangerfield.
93.“Having a two-year-old is like having a blender that you don’t have the top for.”- Jerry Seinfeld.
94.“Work tip: Stand up. Stretch. Take a walk. go to the airport. Get on a plane. Never return.”
95.If you want to change the world, do it while you’re single. Once you’re married you can’t even change the TV Channel.
96.I’ve reached that age where my brain goes from “You probably shouldn’t say that.” To “What the hell, let’s see what happens.”
97.When I’m feeling down and someone says “suck it up”, I get the urge to break their legs and say, “walk it off”.
98.When people see you laying down with your eyes closed, they still ask “Are you sleeping?” And I’m like, “No. I’m training to die.”
99.People think I’m shy because I don’t get involved in their conversations. The truth is, I don’t give a f..ck what they’re talking about.
100.Oh, my bad. I’m sorry for bothering you. I forgot I only exist when you need me for something.
101.Listen, I’m a nice person. So if I’m a b..ch to you, you need to ask yourself why.
102.Some people will only like you if you fit inside their box. Don’t be afraid to shove that box up their ass.
103.People ask me, “Why are you single? You’re attractive, intelligent and creative.” My reply is “I’m overqualified.”
104.“You can tell what was the best year of your father’s life, because they seem to freeze that clothing style and ride it out.”- Jerry Seinfeld.
105.“I haven’t even gone to bed yet and I already can’t wait to come home from work tomorrow.”
106.I went on a diet, stopped smoking dope, cut out the drinking and heavy eating, and in fourteen days I lost two weeks.
107.Congratulations! You’ve managed to make me feel like a worthless piece of shit again. Would you like an award for that?
108.Don’t be an a..hole to me, cause then I have to be an a..hole to you. And I’m way better at being an a..hole than you are.
109.“Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until they speak.”- Steven Wright.
110.Don’t worry about hurting my feelings, because I guarantee you not one bit of my self-esteem is tied up in your acceptance.
111.I’m not petty, I’m dead ass disrespectful and I will straight up disrespect you if you want to play that petty game. Your feelings will be hurt.
112.Forget Prince Charming. Go for the wolf. He can see you better, hear you better, and eat you better.
113.“Mother Nature is wonderful. She gives us twelve years to develop a love for our children before turning them into teenagers.”- Eugene Bertin.
114.“My doctor gave me six months to live, but when I couldn’t pay the bill he gave me six months more.”- Walter Matthau.
115.“Common sense and a sense of humor are the same thing, moving at different speeds. A sense of humor is just common sense, dancing.”- William James.
116.“Before you judge a man, walk a mile in his shoes. After that who cares? He’s a mile away and you’ve got his shoes!”- Billy Connolly.
117.“If minutes were kept of a family gathering, they would show that ‘Members not Present’ and ‘Subjects Discussed’ were one and the same. “- Robert Brault.
118.Maybe you should eat some makeup so you can be pretty on the inside too.
119.If you wrote down every single thought you ever had, you would get an award for the shortest story ever..
120.I’m a lady, but when I’m mad, I am an evil sadistic demon spawned b..ch from hell that will make you regret the day you were born. And when I’m happy, I like to bake cookies and shit.
121.Don’t worry about what I’m doing. Worry about why you’re worried about what I’m doing.
122.Just because the voices only talk to me, doesn’t mean you should get all jealous. You’re just a little too crazy for their taste.
123.“Please submit your ideas to me today so I can submit them as my own tomorrow.”- Anonymous.
124.“Just because the voices only talk to me doesn’t mean you should get all jealous. You’re just a little too crazy for their taste.”
125.Come here you big, beautiful cup of coffee and lie to me about how much we’re going to get done today.