1.“A funny thing happens in real estate. When it comes back, it comes back up like gangbusters.”
2.My brother is a real estate agent. He greets me with: “Hey bro, house it going?”
3.“Why don’t real estate agents read novels? Because the only numbers in them are page numbers.”
4.“I’m the funniest realtor. Hire me to get entertained, getting the best house is a bonus for you.”
5.“All periodic table elements were hired by the real estate company because they have lots of properties!”
6.“I know how to open new doors. No, no, I’m not the owner of the lock service centre, I’m in the real estate field.”
7.“Are you looking for more space to spread out? No, No, I’m not talking about your bed. I’m talking about a house.”
8.“Why did the real estate agent keep ten ants in his house? Because they were his tenants!”
9.“What did the manager say to the real estate agent when he made a deal for Amazon? “Hey, John, you did an Amazon Prime job.”
10.“Real Estate is my 9-5 job. And then again it’s my 5-3 job. And again it’s my 3-9 job.”
11.“What did the realtor reply when I asked if he liked reading real estate magazines? “Yes, I love reading them but only periodically”.
12.“Why was the coffee maker recruited by the real estate company? Because he should grind well.”
13.“You don’t need a google map when you are with me. As a realtor, I love to take you to the right destination.”
14.“Becoming a real estate attorney is a tough job. You will always have to deal with battles of wills!”
15.“What happens when you marry the best real estate agent? He sells you the engagement ring!”
16.“Why did the real estate agent take the house to the doctor? The window had a pane!”
17.“What did the husband realtor say to his wife? “You have a lien on my heart”.
18.“I can decrease or increase the size of your house. No, I’m not a civil engineer, I’m a realtor.”
19.“Why is it a terrible idea to pick a fistfight with a real estate agent? He usually flips houses whenever he wants!”
20.I’m a smart neighbourhood Realtor. If I don’t like my neighbours, I convince them to change their house.
21.“I work during my free time as well and I get 24 hours of free time. It’s the life of an established realtor.”
22.“How did the realtor compliment his wife? He said, Values of estate will go up and down, you will remain beautiful forever”.
23.“There are 12 important things that you must do to sell your house at the best price. The first one is, ‘call me.’ Then I will handle the other 11 things as I’m a realtor.”
24.“What does a realtor say when the relationship manager proposes to reduce the work in half? I am looking to take two of those.”
25.“I have a friend who is stout. When he joined realtor services, he was assigned to the division of short sales.”
26.“All appraisers seem to carry wasps. They think the value of the eye always stays in the bee holder!”
27.“What did the judge say to the real estate agent who violated the NAR code? “You didn’t stand up to the ethics, so pay the fine”.
28.“Why are real estate agents compared to Satan while reading contracts? Because they think that the devil lies in the details!”
29.“What did the real estate agent say to the lady at the bar? “Ma’am, is your name FHA loan? Because you have most certainly caught my interest”.
30.“Did you hear about the last remaining unit in the apartment building? It was last but not leased.”
31.“The neighbours always leave their sprinklers on, which is a little bit annoying. It’s a source of constant irrigation.”
32.“Don’t be the guy that shows up at the potluck with just a fork. – Dave Liniger”
33.“I once decided to buy a baseball stadium. But my agent said he could only give me a ballpark estimate!”
34.“Judging by your pins, you’ll need a house with 14 bathrooms, 27 living rooms, and a master closet the size of a small village.”
35.“What is the only similarity between a UFO and an affordable agent? You usually hear about both but can never ever see one!”
36.“You can expect high standards from me. In return, I expect a high budget from you.”
37.“It’s OK to have your eggs in one basket as long as you control what happens to that basket.”
38.“Why was the realtor upset with his truck driver client one day? The client wanted a house with very long haul ways!”
39.“If you really want me to sell your house quickly then please hide the clothes, dishes and all the other things when I take photos of your house.”
40.“I dislike realtors the most. While buying a two-storied house, he gave me a story before I bought it.”
41.“After finalising the deal if you think that you could find and buy this house without my help, then I say- I can give you the contact number of the psychologist.”
42.“I give emotional security to people. Am I a psychologist? No, I’m a realtor who helps people to get a house that soothes their emotions.”
43.“If I were a professional wrestler, I’d want a name that strikes fear in most people. Something like, ‘The Underwriter.’”
44.“I have been sitting beside my phone the whole day, just waiting for one phone call from a special person to hear ‘Yes’. Your girlfriend?? No Man, a phone call from my client. I’m a realtor and have spent $5 on Facebook ads.”