90 + Funny Husband Quotes Jokes

Visit:3224   Updated: 2023/02/21

1.If I could rearrange the alphabet, I would put the letters U and I together.

2.I have been happily and blissfully married for 5 years…out of a total of 20.

3.You are like dandruff because I just cannot get you out of my head no matter how hard I try.

4.Can I borrow a kiss from you? I promise you that I will give it back.

5.Never laugh at your significant other’s choices because you happen to be one of them.

6.Knock, knock. Who’s there? Snow. Snow, who? Snow use, I just can’t stop thinking about you.

7.When you are in love, it is the most glorious two and a half days of one’s entire life.

8.My wife is definitely a sex object in that every time I ask her for sex, she objects.

9.Why do men like to fall in love at first sight? Because doing so saves them a lot of money.

10.We must both be subatomic particles because I feel this strong force between the two of us.

11.Love is like having to pass gas. If you force, then you are going to make a mess.

12.I want to spend the rest of my life trying to get out of debt with you.

13.Knock, knock. Who’s there? Mary. Mary, who? Mary me, and I will love you forever.

14.A girl asked her boyfriend if he would still love her after marriage. He replied, “that depends on what your husband will think.”

15.What happened to the two vampires who went on their first date? It was love at first bite!

16.Knock, knock. Who’s there? Candice. Candice, who? Candice be love that I am feeling right now?

17.Did I tell you that the girl I have been seeing works at the zoo? I think she’s a keeper.

18.Did you hear about the porcupine who was near-sighted? He fell in love with a pincushion.

19.Let’s commit the perfect crime together. I’ll steal your heart and you can steal mine.

20.If I have to choose between men and shoes, I will choose shoes. They tend to last longer.

21.A husband was throwing knives at his wife’s photo and missing the target. All of a sudden, she called to ask what he was doing. His reply was, “I am missing you.”

22.There is a special place where a man can touch a woman that will make her go crazy. Her heart.

23.I always like to let my wife know who the boss is in this house. And I do that by holding a mirror up to her face.

24.I was married by a judge. Little did I know that I should have asked for a jury too.

25.Love is a condition of temporary insanity. And the only available cure for this sickness is marriage.

26.A husband was looking at himself in the mirror and asked his wife, “will you still love me when I am old, fat, and bald?” She replied, “I do.”

27.My husband is of the opinion that I am absolutely crazy. But if he is the one who decided to get married to me, then that makes him even crazier than I am.

28.Love is a very complex matter of chemistry. And that is why my wife treats me like toxic waste!

29.Knock, knock. Who’s there? Olive. Olive, who? Olive you, and I don’t care who knows it.

30.I don’t know your name yet, but it must be Wi-Fi because I am feeling such a strong connection here.

31.I love you today more than I did yesterday. And that is because you really ticked me off yesterday.

32.Knock, knock. Who’s there? Juno. Juno, who. Juno that you’re the love of my life?

33.Knock, knock. Who’s there? Orange. Orange, who? Orange you going to kiss me instead of just standing there?

34.Knock, knock. Who’s there? Luke. Luke, who? Luke into my eyes and tell me that you love me.

35.A couple are on a date at a fancy restaurant. The woman tells the man to say something to her that will get her heart racing. He replies, “I forgot my wallet.”

36.Our love will never become cold and hollow unless one day you refuse to swallow.

37.What is the ideal marriage? One that is between a spouse that is deaf and a spouse that is blind.

38.When a man goes and steals your wife, the best revenge that you can have is to let him keep her.

39.I love you with all my butt. I would say my heart, but it is just not as big.

40.Love is getting mad at someone, telling that person to go to hell, and hoping that they get there safely.

41.Have you ever been fishing before? I only ask because I really think that we should hook up.

42.Knock, knock. Who’s there? Pauline. Pauline, who? I think I’m Pauline in love with you.

43.Knock, knock. Who’s there? Ivana. Ivana, who? Ivana spend the rest of my life with you.

44.Knock, knock. Who’s there? Pauline. Pauline, who? I’m Pauline in love with you more and more each day.

45.The voice of love seemed to call me, and then I realized that it was a wrong number.

46.The woman was hungry for love and had no idea where her next male was coming from.

47.Marriage comes with no guarantees, so if that is what you are looking for, then you are better off buying a car battery.

48.An archaeologist is definitely the best husband a woman could ever have. The reason for this is because the older she gets, the more he will be interested in her.

49.Do you know about the concept of Newton’s law? It states that for every idiot, there is an equal and opposite idiot. They are called husband and wife.

50.You can fall from the sky and you can fall from a tree, but the best way for you to fall is to fall in love with me.

51.Knock, knock. Who’s there? Leena. Leena, who? Leena little closer so I can kiss you!

52.Knock, knock. Who’s there? Norma Lee. Norma Lee, who? Norma Lee I don’t say this, but I think that I am falling for you.

53.Knock, knock. Who’s there? Muffin. Muffin, who? Muffin in this world can keep us apart.

54.You are in my heart, my mind, and in my entire body. In fact, my doctor says that you must be a parasite!

55.My boyfriend and I met on the internet. My mother asked him what line he used on me and my boyfriend replied, “I just used a modem.”

56.Love is a lot like peeing in your pants. Only you can feel the warm sensation from such an experience.

57.Love is when I walk to the other side of the classroom to sharpen my pen just so I can see her. And then I realize that I am holding a pen.

58.I have not spoken to my wife in quite a few years. I just did not want to interrupt her.

59.When a man marries a woman, it is the highest compliment that he can pay her, and it is usually the last.

60.A husband and wife are drinking wine at home. The wife says, “I love you.” The husband asks if that is her or the wine talking. She replies, “It’s me talking to the wine.”

61.What are the three big rings of life? They are the engagement ring, the wedding ring, and the suffering.

62.What is the main difference between love and marriage? Love is blind. Marriage, on the other hand, is the eye opener.

63.Falling in love is like going deep into a river. It is much easier to get in it than it is to get out of it.

64.Do you know what the big difference is between love and marriage? Love is the sweet dream and marriage is the alarm clock.

65.You should never be in a big rush to end your marriage with your spouse. You never know if you might need them to finish a sentence.

66.Why are men with pierced ears much better candidates for getting married? Because they have bought jewelry and have suffered greatly.

67.Knock, knock. Who’s there? Honeydew. Honeydew, who? Honeydew you know how much I love you?

68.Knock, knock. Who’s there? Cynthia. Cynthia, who? Cynthia you went away, I have been missing you so much.

69.Being in love is a lot like central heating in your home. You turn it on just before your guests come over and pretend that your house is always like this.

70.A T-Rex told his girlfriend, “I love you this much,” as he stretched out his arms. To which the girlfriend replied, “that’s not very much at all!”

71.Knock, knock. Who’s there? Churchill. Churchill, who? Churchill be the best place for a wedding.

72.Before you decide to make the commitment to marry a person, you should have them use a computer with a very slow internet connection so they can show you who they truly are.

73.What did the patient with the broken leg say to their doctor? Hey doc, I have a crutch on you.

74.The brain is the most impressive organ in our whole body. From the day you are born, it works 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, right up until you fall in love.

75.There were two antennas who met on a roof and they fell in love and decided to get married. The ceremony was nothing fancy, but you could tell that they had a very strong connection.

76.Why do painters always fall for their models? Because they love them with all of their art.

77.What did the astronaut’s fiancé say when he proposed to her in open outer space? She said, “I can’t breathe!”

78.Do you want to know why I plan on no longer using Google anymore? Because after all this time that I have spent searching, I have found the love of my life and it is you.

79.What did one boat say to the other boat? Are you interested in a little row-mance?

80.I love everyone. Some people I love to be around, while some of them are people who I would rather avoid. And then there are some who I would love to punch in the face.

81.Are you familiar with that tingly feeling that you get in your body when you start to develop feelings for someone? That feeling is actually all of your common sense leaving your body.

82.Love is a form of amnesia where a girl forgets that there are about 1.2 billion other boys out there in the world.

83.Do you want to know why my husband and I will never ever need a marriage counselor? He majored in communications in college and I majored in theater. So he communicates with me a lot and I always make the effort to pretend to listen.

84.A man and women were getting married in a courthouse. As they were leaving the courtroom, the bride said to the groom, “Isn’t it nice to be here when we’re not being convicted of something?”

85.A woman made the decision to break off her recent engagement and her friend said, “what happened? I thought it was love at first sight!” To which the woman replied, “but the second and third ones changed my mind.”

86.One day, a husband told his wife that her rear end was getting so big that it was as big as their grill. Later that night, he tried to get intimate with her in bed only for the wife to reply, “do you really think that I am going to fire up this grill for just one little weenie?”

87.It is very important to have a woman who can cook, clean, and take care of the kids. And it is just as important to have a woman who can keep you happy in bed. And most of all, it is important that these two women never meet.

88.An older husband and wife were sitting together at home when a fairy appeared before them and offered to grant each of them a wish. The wife, who had always wanted to visit Paris, wished for tickets to Paris and the fairy granted the wish with a wave of her wand. A pair of plane ticket to Paris magically appeared in the wife’s hand. Then it was the husband’s turn to make a wish.

89.The husband said that he was always jealous of the older men with much younger and prettier wives and he wished for a wife who was 20 years younger than him. So the fairy waved her wand and granted his wish. But imagine the man’s shock when he opened his eyes to find that he was 20 years older!

90.It is said that in the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the wife listens. During the second year of the marriage, the wife speaks and the husband listens. And on the third year of marriage, both the husband and wife speak and the neighbors listen.