36 Smart Humor Quotes Comedians

Visit:1322   Updated: 2023/02/25

1.“I went to rehab [for alcoholism] in wine country, just to keep my options open.”

2.“I’m a quitter. I come from a long line of quitters. It’s amazing I’m here at all.”

3.“A white boy that makes C’s in college can make it to the White House.”

4.“Ah, yes, divorce … from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man’s genitals through his wallet.”

5.“Don’t you think its quite weird for Prince Harry, getting really stoned and seeing your grans face appearing on your money.”

6.“I think it’s the duty of the comedian to find out where the line is drawn and cross it deliberately.”

7.“I’ll tell ya, in New York City, where I’ve lived far too long, ‘fuck’ isn’t even a word, it’s a comma.”

8.“If this comedy thing doesn’t work out, I’ve always got poverty to fall back on.”

9.“Barack Obama will appeal to both black and white voters in America. White voters who’ll think he’s Tiger Woods.”

10.“I have nothing but troubles with my car. Every Sunday I take my family out for a push.”

11.“It should not be an act of social disobedience to light a cigarette. Unless you’re actually a doctor working at an incubator.”

12.“Just cause you got the monkey off your back doesn’t mean the circus has left town.”

13.“Remember when we was young, everybody used to have these arguments about who’s better, Michael Jackson or Prince? Prince won!”

14.“Who knew that the devil had a factory where he made millions of fossils, which his minions distributed throughout the earth, in order to confuse my tiny brain?”

15.“If he dated you for more than 3 years, slept with you countless times & now he’s asking for a break up, break his neck. God will understand.”

16.“I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous – everyone hasn’t met me yet.”

17.“I don’t have lungs anymore! Just two spare bags that flew in under a bridge one day.”

18.“Victoria Beckham looks like she has a dump once every four years. That’s probably how David knows that there’s a World Cup coming up.”

19.“Does America really need to the best at everything? You already dominate the world in economics, military power and obesity.”

20.“The worst kind of non-smokers are the ones that come up to you and cough. That’s pretty fucking cruel isn’t it? Do you go up to cripples and dance too?”

21.“One of my big fears in life is that I’m gonna die and my parents are going to come to clean out my apartment and find that porno wing I’ve been adding on to for years.”

22.“Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?”

23.“I smoke. If this bothers anyone, I suggest you look around at the world in which we live and shut your fuckin’ mouth.”

24.“If I were Achilles I would put my foot in a fuck off block of concrete!”

25.“If women ran the world we wouldn’t have wars, just intense negotiations every 28 days.”

26.“If Harry Potter’s so magical, why can’t he cure his own eyesight and get laid. A teenage lad shouldn’t need a broomstick to cling onto.”

27.“Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.”

28.“If it’s true that our species is alone in the universe, then I’d have to say that the universe aimed rather low and settled for very little.”

29.“Whoever you hate will end up in your family. You don’t like gays? You’re gonna have a gay son. You don’t like Puerto Ricans? Your daughter’s gonna come home with Livin’ La Vida Loca!”

30.“If you don’t think drugs have done good things for us, then take all of your records, tapes and CD’s and burn them.”

31.“I think that should be the anti – speeding advert it should be footage of Richard Hammond trying to remember his own wedding day.”

32.“I hate all this terrorist business. I used to love the days when you could look at an unattended bag on the train or bus and think, I’m fucking havin that!'”

33.“Each of us is full of shit in our own special way. We are all shitty little snowflakes dancing in the universe.”

34.“If you’re so pro-life, do me a favour: don’t lock arms and block medical clinics. If you’re so pro-life, lock arms and block cemeteries.”

35.“Having George W. Bush giving a lecture on business ethics is like having a leper give you a facial, it just doesn’t work!”

36.“If the people of New Zealand want to be part of our world, I believe they should hop off their islands, and push ’em closer.”