1.“My heart has no room for you, but the trunk of my car definitely does.”
2.“When life shuts a door … open it again. It’s a door. That’s how they work.”
3.“Sometimes Sometimes I can’t tell if I’m in preschool or high school. Oh wait, I’m waiting, I’m at work.”
4.“Be advised: Lack of planning on your part does not constitute an emergency on my part.”
5.“The funny thing about kids is, they are the reason we lose it, and the reason we hold it together”
6.“I walk around like everything is fine, but deep down, inside my shoe, my sock is sliding off.”
7.“I don’t understand why people have to “get ready” for bed. I’m always ready for bed.”
8.“Don’t forget to drink water and get some sun. You’re basically a houseplant with more complicated emotions.”
9.“More times than not, your knight in shining armor, turns out to be an idiot wrapped in tin foil.”
10.“Stupid people are like glow sticks. I want to snap them and shake the shit out of them until the light comes on.”
11.“Some days I amaze myself. Other days I look for my phone while I’m talking on it.”
12.“Just before I die, I am going to swallow a bag of popcorn kernels. My cremation is going to be epic!”
13.“Sometimes we have to remove people without warning we’re getting too old to be explaining what they already know they’re doing wrong.”
14.“I’m not rude I just have the balls to say what everyone else is thinking.”
15.“I’m at that age where my mind still thinks I’m 29, my humor suggests I’m 12 while my body mostly keeps asking if I’m sure I’m not dead yet.”
16.“Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.”
17.“I always say “Morning” instead of “Good morning” because if it were a good morning I’d still be in bed asleep”
18.“My parents spanked me as a child as a result, I now suffer from a psychological condition known as “Respect for others”