1.“If you’re going to tell people the truth, be funny or they will kill you.”
2.“Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter.”
3.“You must pay for your sins. If you have already paid, please ignore this notice.”
4.“When I hear somebody sigh, Life is hard, I am always tempted to ask, ‘Compared to what?’”
5.“If A is a success in life, then A equals’ x plus y plus z. work is x; y is play; and z is keeping your mouth shut.”
6.“The question isn’t who is going to let me, it’s who is going to stop me.”
7.“It is a scientific fact that your body will not absorb cholesterol if you take it from another person’s plate.”
8.“Money won’t buy happiness, but it will pay the salaries of large research staff to study the problem.”
9.“I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific.”
10.“The reason I talk to myself is because I’m the only one whose answer I accept.”
11.“Even if you are on the right track, you will get run over if you just sit there.”
12.“Starbucks says they are going to start putting religious quotes on cups. The very first one will say, ’Jesus! This cup is expensive!’”
13.“Live each day like it’s your second to the last. That way you can fall asleep at night.”
14.“Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don’t matter and those who matter don’t mind.”
15.“A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.”
16.“I find television very educational. Every time someone turns it on, I go in the other room and read a book.”
17.“People often say that motivation doesn’t last. Well, neither does bath- that’s why we recommend it daily.”
18.“Optimist: someone who figures that taking a step backwards after taking a step forward is not a disaster, it’s more like a cha-cha.”
19.“The elevator to success is out of order. You will have to use the stairs… one step at a time.”
20.“I believe that if life gives you lemons, you should make lemonade… And try to find somebody whose life has given them vodka and have a party.”
21.“The minute you settle for less than you deserve, you get even less than you settled for.”
22.“The trouble of being an open mind, of course, is that people will insist on coming along and trying to put things in it.”
23.“Here is a test to find whether your mission on earth is finished- If you’re alive it isn’t.”
24.“There never was a child so lovely but his mother was glad to get him asleep.”
25.“I have a simple philosophy: Fill what is empty. Empty what is full. Scratch where it itches.”
26.“I am so clever that sometimes I don’t understand a single word of what I am saying.”