1.“Ned, I would love to stand here and talk with you—but I’m not going to.”
2.“What do you mean, he doesn’t eat any meat? That’s okay, that’s okay. I make lamb.”
3.“I love being married. It’s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.”
4.Good friends finish your sentences. A best friend will do the same, but make it sound 10 times dirtier in the process.
5.“Never follow anyone else’s path. Unless you’re in the woods and you’re lost and you see a path. Then by all means follow that path.”
6.“Here’s something to think about: How come you never see a headline like ‘Psychic Wins Lottery’?”
7.A good friend calls you in jail. A great friend bails you out of jail. Your best friend sits next to you and says “wasn’t that fun?”
8.“My mother always used to say: The older you get, the better you get, unless you’re a banana.”
9.“I never forget a face—but in your case, I’ll be glad to make an exception.”
10.“Instead of the mahi mahi, may I just get the one mahi because I’m not that hungry?”
11.“Never put off till tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow just as well.”
12.Outside of a dog, a book is man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, it’s too dark to read.
13.“I can’t end my messages with Love, Shaq because the B-52s ruined that for me.”
14.“Outside of a dog, a book is man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, it’s too dark to read.”
15.Good morning my wonderful friends! may your day begin with a smile on your face, Love in your heart and happiness within your soul.
16.“Before you criticise someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way when you criticise them, you are a mile away from them and you have their shoes.”
17.“Thanksgiving dinners take 18 hours to prepare. They are consumed in 12 minutes. Half-times take 12 minutes. This is not a coincidence.”
18.“I love airports because the rules of society don’t apply. Eat a pizza and have a glass of wine at 7 am while in track pants. Nobody cares.”
19.“Insomnia sharpens your maths skills because you spend all night calculating how much sleep you’ll get if you’re able to ‘fall asleep right now.’”
20.“Eggs are fantastic for a fitness diet. If you don’t like the taste, just add cocoa, flour, sugar, butter, baking powder and cook at 350 for 30 minutes.”
21.“My therapist says I’m afraid of success. I guess I could understand that, because after all, fulfilling my potential would really cut into my sitting-around time.”
22.“Before you marry a person, you should first make them use a computer with slow Internet access to see who they really are.”
23.“I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.”
24.“My therapist told me the way to achieve true inner peace is to finish what I start. So far I’ve finished two bags of M&Ms and a chocolate cake. I feel better already.”
25.“From the ages of eight to 18, me and my family moved around a lot. Mostly we would just stretch, but occasionally one of us would actually get up to go to the fridge.”
26.Good morning No matter what knocks you down in life, get back up and keep going. Never give up. Great blessings are a result of great perseverance.
27.“When your mother asks, ‘Do you want a piece of advice?’ it is a mere formality. It doesn’t matter if you answer yes or no. You’re going to get it anyway.”
28.“My husband and I fell in love at first sight. Maybe I should have taken a second look.”
29.Brian: “Look, you’ve got it all wrong. You don’t need to follow me. You don’t need to follow anybody. You’ve got to think for yourselves. You’re all individuals.”
30.I made my Facebook name “Benefits,” so when you add me now it says “you’re friends with benefits.”
31.“You know you’re getting old when you stoop to tie your shoelaces and wonder what else you could do while you’re down there.”
32.“Halloween is the beginning of the holiday shopping season. That’s for women. The beginning of the holiday shopping season for men is Christmas Eve.”
33.“I’m sick of following my dreams, man. I’m just going to ask where they’re going and hook up with ’em later.”
34.“Good parenting means investing in your child’s future, which is why I am saving to buy mine a hoverboard someday.”
35.Life’ tragedy is that we get old too soon and wise TOO LATE. Good morning.