1.“I’m a quitter. I come from a long line of quitters. It’s amazing I’m here at all.”
2.“I think it’s the duty of the comedian to find out where the line is drawn and cross it deliberately.”
3.“If this comedy thing doesn’t work out, I’ve always got poverty to fall back on.”
4.“A white boy that makes C’s in college can make it to the White House.”
5.“I went to rehab [for alcoholism] in wine country, just to keep my options open.”
6.“Just cause you got the monkey off your back doesn’t mean the circus has left town.”
7.“Each of us is full of shit in our own special way. We are all shitty little snowflakes dancing in the universe.”
8.“I’ll tell ya, in New York City, where I’ve lived far too long, ‘fuck’ isn’t even a word, it’s a comma.”
9.“Looking at how successful all the Kardashian women are, I don’t blame Bruce Jenner at all.”
10.“Who’s judging American Idol? Paula Abdul? Paula Abdul judging a singing contest is like Christopher Reeve judging a dance contest!”
11.“I have nothing but troubles with my car. Every Sunday I take my family out for a push.”
12.“It should not be an act of social disobedience to light a cigarette. Unless you’re actually a doctor working at an incubator.”
13.“It’s all about money, not freedom, y’all, okay? Nothing to do with fuckin’ freedom. If you think you’re free, try going somewhere without fucking money, okay?”
14.“I drink too much. The last time I gave a urine sample it had an olive in it.”
15.“I can’t swim. I can’t drive, either. I was going to learn to drive but then I thought, well, what if I crash into a lake?”
16.“Barack Obama will appeal to both black and white voters in America. White voters who’ll think he’s Tiger Woods.”
17.“If you’re so pro-life, do me a favour: don’t lock arms and block medical clinics. If you’re so pro-life, lock arms and block cemeteries.”
18.“Ah, yes, divorce … from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man’s genitals through his wallet.”
19.“Victoria Beckham looks like she has a dump once every four years. That’s probably how David knows that there’s a World Cup coming up.”
20.“The worst kind of non-smokers are the ones that come up to you and cough. That’s pretty fucking cruel isn’t it? Do you go up to cripples and dance too?”
21.“One of my big fears in life is that I’m gonna die and my parents are going to come to clean out my apartment and find that porno wing I’ve been adding on to for years.”
22.“I don’t do drugs. If I want a rush I just stand up when I’m not expecting it.”
23.“I don’t have lungs anymore! Just two spare bags that flew in under a bridge one day.”
24.“Don’t you think its quite weird for Prince Harry, getting really stoned and seeing your grans face appearing on your money.”
25.“I hate all this terrorist business. I used to love the days when you could look at an unattended bag on the train or bus and think, I’m fucking havin that!'”
26.“Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.”
27.“If it’s true that our species is alone in the universe, then I’d have to say that the universe aimed rather low and settled for very little.”
28.“I don’t get high, but sometimes I wish I did. That way, when I messed up in life I would have an excuse. But right now there’s no rehab for stupidity.”
29.“Whoever you hate will end up in your family. You don’t like gays? You’re gonna have a gay son. You don’t like Puerto Ricans? Your daughter’s gonna come home with Livin’ La Vida Loca!”
30.“In my lifetime, we’ve gone from Eisenhower to George W. Bush. We’ve gone from John F. Kennedy to Al Gore. If this is evolution, I believe that in twelve years, we’ll be voting for plants.”
31.“If he dated you for more than 3 years, slept with you countless times & now he’s asking for a break up, break his neck. God will understand.”
32.“I wanna live. I don’t wanna die. That’s the whole meaning of life: Not dying! I figured that shit out by myself in the third grade.”
33.“Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?”
34.“Do you think George Bush actually knows who Gordon Brown is? He probably just thinks Tony Blair’s put on weight and had a mild stroke.”
35.“I think that should be the anti – speeding advert it should be footage of Richard Hammond trying to remember his own wedding day.”
36.“If Harry Potter’s so magical, why can’t he cure his own eyesight and get laid. A teenage lad shouldn’t need a broomstick to cling onto.”
37.“If I were Achilles I would put my foot in a fuck off block of concrete!”
38.“You’re supposed to eat the cows. They’re great big lumbering stupid things – they’d be everywhere if we didn’t eat them.”
39.“Remember when we was young, everybody used to have these arguments about who’s better, Michael Jackson or Prince? Prince won!”
40.“If the people of New Zealand want to be part of our world, I believe they should hop off their islands, and push ’em closer.”
41.“And the druids, they were into sex and death in an interesting night-time telly sort of way.”
42.“If women ran the world we wouldn’t have wars, just intense negotiations every 28 days.”
43.“Having George W. Bush giving a lecture on business ethics is like having a leper give you a facial, it just doesn’t work!”
44.“I came from a real tough neighborhood. I put my hand in some cement and felt another hand.”
45.“What are children anyway? Midget drunks. They greet you in the morning by kneeing you in the face and talking gibberish. They can’t even walk straight.”
46.“If you don’t drink 56 bottles of water a week, scientists say you should take a garden hose at the end of the week and shove it up your ass.”
47.“Honesty may be the best policy, but it’s important to remember that apparently, by elimination, dishonesty is the second-best policy.”
48.“Don’t argue! You cannot win, you cannot beat a woman in a argument. It’s impossible you will not win. Cause men, we are handicapped when it comes to arguing cause we have a need to make sense.”
49.“Gun control? We need bullet control! I think every bullet should cost 5,000 dollars. Because if a bullet cost five thousand dollars, we wouldn’t have any innocent bystanders.”
50.“I smoke. If this bothers anyone, I suggest you look around at the world in which we live and shut your fuckin’ mouth.”
51.“So I’ve learnt that the world is 4500 million years old. If you’re very religious, then it’s not 4500 million years old, it’s 6000 years old. One of these is not correct.”