1.“I’m a quitter. I come from a long line of quitters. It’s amazing I’m here at all.”
2.“I came from a real tough neighborhood. I put my hand in some cement and felt another hand.”
3.“I think it’s the duty of the comedian to find out where the line is drawn and cross it deliberately.”
4.“If I were Achilles I would put my foot in a fuck off block of concrete!”
5.“I’ll tell ya, in New York City, where I’ve lived far too long, ‘fuck’ isn’t even a word, it’s a comma.”
6.“I went to rehab [for alcoholism] in wine country, just to keep my options open.”
7.“I don’t have lungs anymore! Just two spare bags that flew in under a bridge one day.”
8.“Don’t you think its quite weird for Prince Harry, getting really stoned and seeing your grans face appearing on your money.”
9.“Just cause you got the monkey off your back doesn’t mean the circus has left town.”
10.“In the event of a cabin failure, oxygen masks will drop from the ceiling, and untangling them will annoy you before you die.”
11.“A white boy that makes C’s in college can make it to the White House.”
12.“Each of us is full of shit in our own special way. We are all shitty little snowflakes dancing in the universe.”
13.“The worst kind of non-smokers are the ones that come up to you and cough. That’s pretty fucking cruel isn’t it? Do you go up to cripples and dance too?”
14.“One of my big fears in life is that I’m gonna die and my parents are going to come to clean out my apartment and find that porno wing I’ve been adding on to for years.”
15.“My doctor told me to watch my drinking. Now I drink in front of a mirror. I drink too much. Way too much. My doctor drew blood. He ran a tab.”
16.“It’s all about money, not freedom, y’all, okay? Nothing to do with fuckin’ freedom. If you think you’re free, try going somewhere without fucking money, okay?”
17.“Ah, yes, divorce … from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man’s genitals through his wallet.”
18.“Barack Obama will appeal to both black and white voters in America. White voters who’ll think he’s Tiger Woods.”
19.“Who knew that the devil had a factory where he made millions of fossils, which his minions distributed throughout the earth, in order to confuse my tiny brain?”
20.“If the people of New Zealand want to be part of our world, I believe they should hop off their islands, and push ’em closer.”
21.“If this comedy thing doesn’t work out, I’ve always got poverty to fall back on.”
22.“I wanna live. I don’t wanna die. That’s the whole meaning of life: Not dying! I figured that shit out by myself in the third grade.”
23.“In my lifetime, we’ve gone from Eisenhower to George W. Bush. We’ve gone from John F. Kennedy to Al Gore. If this is evolution, I believe that in twelve years, we’ll be voting for plants.”
24.“If you don’t think drugs have done good things for us, then take all of your records, tapes and CD’s and burn them.”
25.“I smoke. If this bothers anyone, I suggest you look around at the world in which we live and shut your fuckin’ mouth.”
26.“Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.”
27.“If it’s true that our species is alone in the universe, then I’d have to say that the universe aimed rather low and settled for very little.”
28.“Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?”
29.“Whoever you hate will end up in your family. You don’t like gays? You’re gonna have a gay son. You don’t like Puerto Ricans? Your daughter’s gonna come home with Livin’ La Vida Loca!”
30.“If you don’t drink 56 bottles of water a week, scientists say you should take a garden hose at the end of the week and shove it up your ass.”
31.“If you’re so pro-life, do me a favour: don’t lock arms and block medical clinics. If you’re so pro-life, lock arms and block cemeteries.”
32.“I don’t do drugs. If I want a rush I just stand up when I’m not expecting it.”
33.“Do you think George Bush actually knows who Gordon Brown is? He probably just thinks Tony Blair’s put on weight and had a mild stroke.”
34.“Remember when we was young, everybody used to have these arguments about who’s better, Michael Jackson or Prince? Prince won!”
35.“It should not be an act of social disobedience to light a cigarette. Unless you’re actually a doctor working at an incubator.”
36.“You’re supposed to eat the cows. They’re great big lumbering stupid things – they’d be everywhere if we didn’t eat them.”
37.“I hate all this terrorist business. I used to love the days when you could look at an unattended bag on the train or bus and think, I’m fucking havin that!'”
38.“If he dated you for more than 3 years, slept with you countless times & now he’s asking for a break up, break his neck. God will understand.”
39.“If Harry Potter’s so magical, why can’t he cure his own eyesight and get laid. A teenage lad shouldn’t need a broomstick to cling onto.”
40.“So I’ve learnt that the world is 4500 million years old. If you’re very religious, then it’s not 4500 million years old, it’s 6000 years old. One of these is not correct.”
41.“Scrabble was invented by Nazis to piss off kids with dyslexia. This is true, they proved this one. The word dyslexia was invented by Nazis to piss off kids with dyslexia.”
42.“My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you’re ugly too.”
43.“What are children anyway? Midget drunks. They greet you in the morning by kneeing you in the face and talking gibberish. They can’t even walk straight.”
44.“I think that should be the anti – speeding advert it should be footage of Richard Hammond trying to remember his own wedding day.”
45.“Don’t argue! You cannot win, you cannot beat a woman in a argument. It’s impossible you will not win. Cause men, we are handicapped when it comes to arguing cause we have a need to make sense.”
46.“I drink too much. The last time I gave a urine sample it had an olive in it.”
47.“My wife is always trying to get rid of me. The other day she told me to put the garbage out. I said to her I already did. She told me to go and keep an eye on it.”
48.“Here’s all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.”
49.“Does America really need to the best at everything? You already dominate the world in economics, military power and obesity.”
50.“And the druids, they were into sex and death in an interesting night-time telly sort of way.”
51.“I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous – everyone hasn’t met me yet.”
52.“I have nothing but troubles with my car. Every Sunday I take my family out for a push.”
53.“I don’t get high, but sometimes I wish I did. That way, when I messed up in life I would have an excuse. But right now there’s no rehab for stupidity.”
54.“Having George W. Bush giving a lecture on business ethics is like having a leper give you a facial, it just doesn’t work!”
55.“Gun control? We need bullet control! I think every bullet should cost 5,000 dollars. Because if a bullet cost five thousand dollars, we wouldn’t have any innocent bystanders.”
56.“I can’t swim. I can’t drive, either. I was going to learn to drive but then I thought, well, what if I crash into a lake?”
57.“I’m a vegetarian, well I’m not hardcore because I eat meat, but only because I like the taste, and I hate vegetables on a personal level so I’m not too good!”
58.“If a woman tells you she’s twenty and looks sixteen, she’s twelve. If she tells you she’s twenty-six and looks twenty-six, she’s damn near forty.”
59.“If women ran the world we wouldn’t have wars, just intense negotiations every 28 days.”
60.“Victoria Beckham looks like she has a dump once every four years. That’s probably how David knows that there’s a World Cup coming up.”
61.“Who’s judging American Idol? Paula Abdul? Paula Abdul judging a singing contest is like Christopher Reeve judging a dance contest!”
62.“Looking at how successful all the Kardashian women are, I don’t blame Bruce Jenner at all.”
63.“Honesty may be the best policy, but it’s important to remember that apparently, by elimination, dishonesty is the second-best policy.”
64.“When I asked my personal trainer at the gym which machine I should use to impress beautiful women he pointed outside and said the ATM machine.”
65.“I am a professional transvestite, so I can run about in heels and not fall over. Cause if a woman falls over wearing heels, that’s embarrassing. But if a bloke falls over wearing heels, you have to kill yourself. It’s the end of your life.”
66.“Beer commercials usually show big men, manly men, doing manly things: ‘You’ve just killed a small animal. It’s time for a light beer.’ Why not have a realistic beer commercial, with a realistic thing about beer, where someone goes, ‘It’s five o’clock in the morning. You’ve just pissed on a dumpster. It’s Miller time.'”
67.“I’m watching the news … Tupac Shakur was assassinated, Biggie Smalls assassinated, struck down by assassin’s bullets … no, they wasn’t. Martin Luther King was assassinated, Malcolm X was assassinated, John F. Kennedy was assassinated. Them two niggas got shot! Shit, I love Tupac, I love Biggie, but school will be open on their birthday.”
68.“Maybe we need to change who gets the Nobel Peace Prize, and when. Because so many people have won the prize and they’ve benefitted from all of its prestige, and then they’ve gone on to not be peaceful. Like, maybe we should only give the Nobel Peace Prize to people after their career is over and they’ve passed away, right? It’s at the end. We can call it the “Rest in Peace Prize.” Then we know you’re not gonna surprise us, you’re not gonna hurt anyone. Unless someone trips on your grave.”
69.“Horseshoes are lucky. Horses have four bits of lucky nailed to their feet. They should be the luckiest animals in the world. They should rule the country. They should win all their horse races, at least. ‘In the fifth race today, every single horse was first equal…one horse threw a shoe came in third…the duck was ninth…and five ran.'”
70.“If you’re working out in front of a mirror and watching your muscles grow, your ego has reached a point where it is now eating itself. That’s why I believe there should be a psychiatrist at every health club, so that when they see you doing this, they will take you away for a little chat.”
71.“If you listen to a song and get an image in your head, and then you go home and watch mtv and the image they’re showing is the same as the one in your head, kill yourself. You’re better off coming back as a lobster.”
72.“I’d rather go ice fishing, which is the dumbest thing a man can do. You’re sitting essentially in an out house and it’s 30 below. You’ve cut a hole in the ice, and you’re fishing for fish that you shouldn’t eat, ‘cause any fish that is down there is fucking stupid.”
73.“Flying has been particularly stressful for me in the recent months. Flying into America has been the worst. You go through different lines, there’s extra checks. Especially if you come from what they consider a high-risk Ebola region, which apparently is the whole continent – we’re all coughing on each other in one big hut.”
74.“They lie about marijuana. Tell you pot-smoking makes you unmotivated. Lie! When you’re high, you can do everything you normally do, just as well. You just realize that it’s not worth the fucking effort. There is a difference.”
75.“Wouldn’t you like to see a positive LSD story on the news? To base your decision on information rather than scare tactics and superstition? Perhaps? Wouldn’t that be interesting? Just for once? ‘Today, a young man on acid realized that all matter is merely energy condensed to a slow vibration – that we are all one consciousness experiencing itself subjectively. There is no such thing as death, life is only a dream, and we are the imagination of ourselves. Here’s Tom with the weather.'”