31 Best Daily Funny Quotes Image

Visit:4937   Updated: 2023/03/18

1.“I am not an early bird or a night owl. I am some from of permanently exhausted pigeon.”

2.“Roses are red, violets are blue, I’ve got five fingers and the middle one’s for you.”

3.“Life is not a fairy tale. If you lose your shoe at midnight, you’re drunk.”

4.“My favorite exercise is a cross between a lunge and a crunch… I call it to lunch.”

5.“*Boom* mom: what was that? Me: my shirt fell mom: it sounded a lot heavier than that… me: I was in it.”

6.“Maybe you should eat some makeup so you can be pretty on the inside too.”

7.“When someone told me I lived in a fantasy land I nearly fell of my unicorn.”

8.“I try not to laugh at my own jokes but we all know I’m hilarious.”

9.“If we’re not meant to have midnight snacks, why is there a light in the fridge?”

10.“People who wonder whether the glass is half empty or half full are missing the point. The glass is refillable.”

11.“I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say: “Hey look, that one is shaped like an idiot.””

12.“Marriage is like a deck of cards. In the beginning all you need is two hearts and a diamond. By the end, you wish you had a club and a spade.”

13.“That moment when you spell a word so wrong that even auto correct is like, “I’ve got nothing man.””

14.“If I say “First of all” run away because I have prepared research, data, charts and will destroy you.”

15.“My parents accused me of being a liar. So I looked them in the face & said “tooth fairy, santa, easter bunny.” & walked away like a boss.”

16.“If you were able to believe in santa claus for like 8 years, you can believe in yourself for like 5 minutes.”

17.“I don’t mean to interrupt people I just randomly remember things and get really excited.”

18.“Just before I die, I am going to swallow a bag of popcorn kernels. My cremation is going to be epic!”

19.“If someone points at your black clothes and asks, whos funeral it is, you just look around the room, and answer, ‘haven’t decided yet.’”

20.“Parenting is a lot like folding a fitted sheet, no one really knows how the hell to do it.”

21.“The fact that there’s a highway to hell and only a stairway to heaven says a lot about anticipated traffic numbers.”

22.“Chocolate comes from coco which is a tree, that makes it a plant. Chocolate is salad.”

23.“My mother always told me if you can’t say anything nice don’t say anything at all… And some people wonder why I’m so quiet around them.”

24.“I hate it when people are at your house and ask ‘do you have a bathroom?’ no, we pee in the yard.”

25.“Everybody wants to change the world, but nobody wants to change the toilet paper roll.”

26.“If you are lonely, dim all lights and put on a horror movie. After a while it won’t feel like you are alone anymore.”

27.“Isn’t it weird that we have one hand that knows how to do everything and then one hand that just sits there like “I don’t know how to hold a pencil””

28.“Quote of the year: When you are dead, you do not know that you are dead. All of the pain is felt by others. The same thing happens when you are stupid.”

29.“My doctor told me to start killing people. Well, not in those exact words. He said I had to reduce the stress in my life. Same thing.”

30.“I’ve reached that age where my brain goes from “you probably shouldn’t say that.” To what the hell, let’s see what happens.””

31.“Read this out loud! This is this cat. This is cat. This is how cat. This is to cat. This is keep cat. This is an cat. This is idiot cat. This is busy cat. This is for cat. This is forty cat. This is seconds cat. Now go back and read the third word only in each line from the start.”