1.To all my friends that I promised I’d never post a cheesy couples pic: Keep scrolling.
2.I guess now is a bad time to say I’m not looking for anything serious?
3.If there would be an award for being lazy, I would send someone to pick it up for me.
4.My favorite exercise is a cross between a lunge and a crunch. I call it lunch.
5.A relationship is when one person is always right and the other person is the boyfriend.
6.I knew it was meant to be when I loved you even when I was hungry.
7.I know the voices in my head aren’t real, but sometimes their ideas are just absolutely awesome!
8.If weren’t meant to have midnight snacks, why is there a light in the fridge?
9.Friends come and go like the waves of the ocean, but the true ones stay, like an octopus on your face!
10.Real friends don't care if your room is clean. They’re the ones messing it up.
11.I don’t want to sleep like a baby. I want to sleep like my husband does when the baby’s not sleeping.
12.Best friends: Ready to die for each other, but will fight to the death over the last slice of pizza.
13.This is the exact kind of couple post that single me would have rolled my eyes at.
14.Best friends don’t care if your house is clean. They care if you have wine.
15.A good friend is like a box of chocolate… Sweet, nutty, and a good remedy for a bad day!
16.First rule of Sundays: If you can’t reach it from your couch, you don’t need it.
17.I am a ninja. No, you are not. Did you see me do that? Do what? Exactly.
18.This too shall pass. It might pass like a kidney stone, but it will pass.
19.Going to bed early. Not going to a party. Not leaving my house. My childhood punishments have become my adult goals.
20.The only time of year in which one can sit in front of a dead tree and eat candy out of socks.
21.Sometimes I pretend to be normal. But that gets boring really fast. So, I go back to being normal!
22.I don’t think inside the box. I don’t think outside the box either. I don’t even know where the box is.
23.Relationships are just two people constantly asking one another what they want to eat until one of them dies.
24.I can’t believe I forgot to go to the gym today. That’s 7 years in a row now.
25.Dear Santa, I’ve been good all year. Most of the time. Once in a while. Nevermind, I’ll buy my own stuff.
26.If good things come to those who wait, I’m gonna be an hour late to our date.
27.I’m dreaming of a white Christmas, but if the white runs out, I’ll drink the red.
28.A best friend is like your favorite bra: supportive, comfortable, hard to find, and close to your heart.
29.A true friend cares like a mom, scolds like a dad, teases like a sister, irritates like a brother, and loves more than a lover.
30.We don't care what people think of us. Unless they're our customers. We definitely care what customers think of us.
31.What do you call a bee that can’t make up its mind? A may-bee… I’m a maybe.
32.I can’t clean my room because I get distracted by the cool items I find!
33.Thank you, Tinder. We didn’t meet on there, but it definitely taught me who not to date.
34.I’m just a girl, standing in front of a salad, asking it to be a cupcake.
35.If you’re not supposed to eat at night, why is there a light bulb in the refrigerator?
36.I spend a lot of time holding the refrigerator door open, looking for answers. Also food.
37.I love you with all my butt. I would say heart, but my butt is bigger.
38.I want to be like a caterpillar. Eat a lot. Sleep for a while. Wake up beautiful.
39.My goal this weekend is to move just enough so people don’t think I’m dead.