1.To me, boxing is like a ballet, except there’s no music, no choreography, and the dancers hit each other.
2.Playing dead not only comes in handy when face to face with a bear, but also at important business meetings.
3.I can picture in my mind a world without war, a world without hate. And I can picture us attacking that world, because they’d never expect it.
4.I can picture in my mind a world without war, a world without hate. And I can picture us attacking that world, because they’d never expect it.
5.If I ever get real rich, I hope I’m not real mean to poor people, like I am now.
6.Do you know what happens when you slice a golf ball in half? Someone gets mad at you. I found this out the hard way.
7.You know one thing that will really make a woman mad? Just run up and kick her in the butt.
8.Children need encouragement. If a kid gets an answer right, tell him it was a lucky guess. That way he develops a good, lucky feeling.
9.If I ever get real rich, I hope I’m not real mean to poor people, like I am now.
10.If you go flying back through time, and you see somebody else flying forward into the future, it’s probably best to avoid eye contact.
11.If you go flying back through time, and you see somebody else flying forward into the future, it’s probably best to avoid eye contact.
12.You know something that would really make me applaud? A guy gets stuck in quicksand, then sinks, then suddenly comes shooting out, riding on water skis! How do they do that?
13.To me, it’s always a good idea to always carry two sacks of something when you walk around. That way, if anybody says, Hey, can you give me a hand?, you can say, Sorry, got these sacks.
14.Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way when you criticize them, you are a mile away from them and you have their shoes.
15.Sometimes I think you have to march right in and demand your rights, even if you don’t know what your rights are, or who the person is you’re talking to. Then on the way out, slam the door.
16.To me, clowns aren’t funny. In fact, they’re kind of scary. I’ve wondered where this started and I think it goes back to the time I went to the circus, and a clown killed my dad.
17.I hope some animal never bores a hole in my head and lays its eggs in my brain, because later you might think you’re having a good idea but it’s just eggs hatching.
18.If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them down? We might, if they screamed all the time, for no good reason.
19.Whenever you read a good book, it’s like the author is right there, in the room, talking to you, which is why I don’t like to read good books.
20.I hope if dogs ever take over the world, and they chose a king, they don’t just go by size, because I bet there are some Chihuahuas with some good ideas.
21.One thing kids like is to be tricked. For instance, I was going to take my little nephew to Disneyland, but instead I drove him to an old burned-out warehouse. Oh, no, I said, Disneyland burned down. He cried and cried, but I think that deep down he thought it was a pretty good joke. I started to drive over to the real Disneyland, but it was getting pretty late.
22.When I was a kid my favorite relative was Uncle Caveman. After school we’d all go play in his cave, and every once in a while he would eat one of us. It wasn’t until later that I found out that Uncle Caveman was a bear.
23.Sometimes I just feel like curling up on the floor in front of the fireplace, and just rolling around the room, like a tumbleweed, and not even caring if I knock things over, or break them. And if people get mad, maybe because it’s their house or something, you can just shake your head and go, What happened?
24.If God dwells inside us, like some people say, I sure hope He like enchiladas, because that’s what He’s getting! If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him is God is crying. And if he asks why God is crying, another cute thing to tell him is Probably because of something you did.