1.“Look officer, I’m not being a smartass. All I’m saying is, if you caught me, then you were speeding too.”
2.“My girlfriend woke up this morning with a huge smile on her face… I love sharpies.”
3.“If you ran as much as you ran your mouth, you’d be in great shape.”
4.“You know a girl is mad when she starts off her sentence saying: “I just find it funny how… ” Because there is a 99.9% chance she did not find it funny.”
5.“Being an adult is mostly being exhausted, wishing you hadn’t made any plans, and trying to figure out how the hell you hurt your back.”
6.“I would love to insult you, but I wouldn’t do as well as nature did”
7.“I’m going back to living my fabulous life before you interrupted it to remind me that there are still assholes in this world.”
8.“When your ex says, ‘You’ll never find anyone like me’ reply with: ‘that’s the point.’”
9.“Today I saw something that reminded me of you. Don’t worry, I flushed and everything went back to normal.”
10.“I always say ‘Morning’ instead of ‘Good Morning,’ because if it was a good morning, I would still be in my bed and not talking to people.”
11.“You think I’m cute when I’m angry? Well get ready, because I’m about to be gorgeous.”
12.“Some days you eat salads and go to the gym. Some days you eat cupcakes and refuse to put on pants. It’s called balance.”
13.“You cross my mind only on Thursday morning. That’s the day when I take out the garbage.”
14.“Sometimes I wish I was a bird… so I could fly over certain people and shit on their heads.”
15.“Women are like iPhones. You have to touch them all over before they respond. Men are like Blackberries. Rub one ball and everything moves.”
16.“I love asking kids what they want to be when they grow up because I’m still looking for ideas.”
17.“Thanks for pretending not to see me when I was pretending not to see you in order to avoid a miserably awkward conversation that neither of us wanted to have.”
18.“When I feel down and someone tells me to ‘suck it up,’ I get the urge to break their legs with a baseball bat and then say ‘walk it off.’”
19.“Relationships are a lot like Algebra. Have you ever looked at your X and wondered Y?”
20.“I can only please one person a day. Today isn’t your day. Tomorrow doesn’t look good either.”
21.“If I’m a sarcastic asshole when I talk to you, it’s either because I really like you and feel comfortable teasing you, or I really hate you and don’t care if you know it. Good luck figuring out which one.”