1.“If you’re going to tell people the truth, be funny or they will kill you.”
2.“The reason I talk to myself is because I’m the only one whose answer I accept.”
3.“The elevator to success is out of order. You will have to use the stairs… one step at a time.”
4.“The question isn’t who is going to let me, it’s who is going to stop me.”
5.“There never was a child so lovely but his mother was glad to get him asleep.”
6.“Even if you are on the right track, you will get run over if you just sit there.”
7.“I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific.”
8.“All you need in this life is ignorance and confidence, and then success is sure.”
9.“It is a scientific fact that your body will not absorb cholesterol if you take it from another person’s plate.”
10.“I have a simple philosophy: Fill what is empty. Empty what is full. Scratch where it itches.”
11.“Money won’t buy happiness, but it will pay the salaries of large research staff to study the problem.”
12.“People often say that motivation doesn’t last. Well, neither does bath- that’s why we recommend it daily.”
13.“I am so clever that sometimes I don’t understand a single word of what I am saying.”
14.“I believe that if life gives you lemons, you should make lemonade… And try to find somebody whose life has given them vodka and have a party.”
15.“The trouble of being an open mind, of course, is that people will insist on coming along and trying to put things in it.”
16.“I find television very educational. Every time someone turns it on, I go in the other room and read a book.”
17.“A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don’t need it.”
18.“Starbucks says they are going to start putting religious quotes on cups. The very first one will say, ’Jesus! This cup is expensive!’”
19.“Live each day like it’s your second to the last. That way you can fall asleep at night.”
20.“You must pay for your sins. If you have already paid, please ignore this notice.”
21.“If A is a success in life, then A equals’ x plus y plus z. work is x; y is play; and z is keeping your mouth shut.”
22.“Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter.”
23.“Optimist: someone who figures that taking a step backwards after taking a step forward is not a disaster, it’s more like a cha-cha.”
24.“The minute you settle for less than you deserve, you get even less than you settled for.”
25.“A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.”
26.“By working faithfully eight hours a day you may eventually get to be boss and work twelve hours a day.”
27.“Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don’t matter and those who matter don’t mind.”